Friday, 9 August 2013

The Gospel According to David Cameron

The unauthorised version
Dave has been talking about religion. Speaking during a question-and-answer session in Darwen near Blackburn, the Telegraph reports, he described the Bible as "not a bad handbook", but admitted struggling with some of the sayings contained therein, such as Jesus' instruction to the rich man to sell all he possessed and give the proceeds to the poor.

"But what I think is so good about Jesus’ teachings," he added, "is there are lots of things that he said that you can still apply very directly to daily life and to bringing up your children."

So I thought I'd help the prime minister out by offering him an edited version of the Gospels which might be of more use to him.

1. And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Gideon, that all the world should be taxed. Because it was necessary to sort out the mess left by the last government, and all were in it together.

2. And Mary brought forth her firstborn son, and laid him in a manger, because she and Joseph were unable to afford the bedroom tax.

3. And wise men from the East brought him costly gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. But the gifts were seized and the wise men deported, because it turned out they were in the country illegally.

4. And when he was twelve years old, they went up to Jerusalem after the custom of the feast. And when they had fulfilled the days, as they returned, the child Jesus tarried behind in Jerusalem; and Joseph and his mother knew not of it. But it was discovered that Jesus had remained in the temple sitting in the midst of the doctors, both hearing them, and asking them questions, and all that heard him were astonished at his understanding and answers. And lo there was an Investigation, and social services were called, and Mary and Joseph were reprimanded for child neglect, and the doctors of the temple were placed under suspicion of abuse.

5. There was a righteous man named John, who came into all the country about Jordan, denouncing the wickedness of profligates and bankers. And this John wore a shirt of camel's hair, and a leather girdle about his loins; he had an unkempt beard and there were holes in his sandals. And Dave said, For God's sake, do we really have to be in coalition with these people?

6. There was a wedding at Cana. And the hosts had no wine to serve, for Gideon the chancellor had raised alcohol duty to deter binge drinking. So Jesus turned water into wine, and lo he was arrested for supplying alcohol without a licence. And that was the end of Jesus' political career.

7. Dave saw a man who was stricken with palsy. And he said unto him, take up your bed, and walk, for ATOS has declared you fit for work. And the crippled man did as he was told, and all hailed it as an example of a successful welfare policy promoting the interests of hard-working families. And the crippled man collapsed, but no-one noticed because his apparent recovery had already been entered in the statistics.

8. And Dave went up into the mountain, and taught the multitudes, saying, Blessed are the geeks, for we wish to encourage successful tech start-ups in this country.

9. For whosoever hath, to him more shall be given, and he shall have more in abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that which he hath. And I'm not ashamed of that. Rewarding success is the foundation of a successful economic policy.

10. Consider the birds of the air. They sow not, neither do they reap. Yet they expect their heavenly father to feed them. Consider the lilies of the field. They toil not, neither do they spin. Yet they expect hard working families to pay for them to be arrayed like Solomon in all his glory. Well not any more. Under this government, the lilies of the field are going to have to pull their weight. And the birds of the air will have to work for their breadcrumbs.

11. My message to these layabouts is simple.  Don't come to the taxpayer, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?"  Get a fucking job.

12. But I say unto you, whoever watcheth porn on the internet will be presumed to be a sex offender in his heart.

13. Every hair on your head is numbered, and that number will from now on be held in a secure database run by G4S, so you can rely on us to keep you safe.

14. Many are called, but few are chosen. But you can increase your chances considerably if you went to Eton.

15. Beware of false profits. I have ordered HMRC to institute a crackdown.

16. You have heard it said, "Love your neighbour and hate your enemy." But I say unto you, Beware! For your neighbour might well be an illegal immigrant or a benefit cheat. You have a duty to report them.

17. And Dave came down from the mountain, and lo, there were five thousand gathered. And the people grumbled because there was no food for them to eat. And Samantha said, there is a lad here, who hath five barley loaves, and two small fishes: but what are they among so many? But Dave said, Fear not, it will make a very pleasant lunch for me.

18. And a rich man came unto him and said, Master, what must I do to get into the House of the Lords? And Dave asked him, saying: Do you do good works, and obey the law, and give to the poor? And the rich man confessed that he did not. But Dave told him not to be afeared, but that he should go and make a large donation to Conservative funds. And behold it came to pass according to Dave's saying.

19. For is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a child from a working class background to join the Bullingdon club.

20. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they said unto him, Master, this woman was taken in the very act. And Dave said, Not another one of Boris's? And they replied unto him, No. For lo she is a scarlet woman, and Boris prefers brunettes. But Dave was astonished, and sore afraid, for the woman knew many secrets. But verily it was all sub judice, and nothing could be reported. Which caused Dave to heave a sigh of relief.

21. And Dave went into the temple, and saw all them that sold and bought in the temple, and the tables of the moneychangers, and he went up to them, saying, Congratulations, this is a fine example of a successful finance industry and a vital contribution to the economy.


(Any additions will of course be gratefully received)