This time, Sex education really has gone too far

Like the Daily Mail, the Heresiarch was shocked to learn of the proposed new GCSE sex exam, to be taken (or at least studied for) by pupils as young as eleven or twelve. I was even more shocked to see a leaked copy of an exam paper. It is indeed very shocking, an open inducement to our children to engage in underage sex. Its very existence is enough to put ideas into their innocent, sex-free heads, to turn unsullied, virginal little darlings into spotty, hormonally-driven animals swirling around in an orgy of lustfulness. And thanks to Harriet Harman (who is out of office, but her wicked influence lives on) all this is going to be forced on our children whether parents agree or not. Indeed, it is strongly rumoured that parents who do object to state-enforced sex-coaching will be put on a watchlist and made to attend parenting classes until they have been sufficiently re-educated about the need for full, explicit and above all "helpful" sex education.

I mean, just look at some of the questions:

1) How old were you when you lost your virginity? Describe the experience in no more than 200 words. Alternatively, if you are still a virgin, describe how you intend to set about remedying this deficiency (10 marks)

2) Name three different varieties of condom. Which is your favourite kind, and why? (5 marks)

3) Briefly describe the plot of a pornographic film you have seen. How effective was it, and why? What was your favourite scene? (5 marks)

4) Define and briefly describe the following sexual practices: felching, frottage, emetophilia (6 marks)

5) You and your partner are having sex when your parents or carers unexpectedly walk in. How would you persuade them you that were simply doing your homework? (Hint - include some of the standard coursework elements of GCSE Sex) (10 marks)

6) Below are diagrams representing the male and female genitals. On each, mark three places that are particularly good for oral stimulation. (6 marks)

7) How many times a day should a normal, healthy teenager masturbate? (2 marks)

8) You're embarking on a new career as a porn-star, erotic dancer or escort. What name would you choose for yourself, and why? (2 marks)

9) Outline some of the advantages of swinging over more conventional sexual relationships. (4 marks)

10) Sally is a prostitute. She charges £150 per hour for normal sex, £500 for an overnight, and £50 each for "extras" such as anal sex or watersports. Compose an effective advertisement for her on Craigslist. (8 marks)

Terrible, isn't it?

Please feel free to take the test. Marks will be awarded, and there may even be a prize.


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