Monday, 7 December 2009

Two Weeks to Save the World

Today the Guardian is proud to join more than fifty other dull, worthy and virtually bankrupt dead-tree publications as we wag our collective fingers about Climate Change. Never before have so many newspapers combined their front pages in this way: proof, if any were needed, of the vital importance of the matter at hand. Our message is a simple one: adopt the policies we suggest or you all die.

No-one any longer questions the Fact of global warming. Yet what, so far, has been done about it? Almost nothing! That, of course, is largely the fault of the United States, led for many years by the evil Texan oil-polluter George W Bush. Boo! But now that the US is led by Barack Obama, who does want to save the world, obviously, there's hope. Hooray! Unfortunately, there are still evil people in America who don't want to save the world - who want the world to fry to a small, burnt crisp where All Life will be extinguished - because that'll mean more money for them. Hence the need for this wake-up call.

Make no mistake: the Copenhagen conference will be the last ever chance to save the planet. If there isn't a binding international agreement in the next few days, the seas will boil, the atmosphere will vaporize, and all life on earth will be extinguished in a giant fireball of death. That's how serious it is. But if we all work together, cancel our holidays and hand over vast sums to UN bureaucrats, we can defeat the pessimists and everything will work out OK. After all, we found the money to bail out the banks. And that was way more.

It's all about working together for the greater good. That's why, by printing this message to the world, we are doing Our Bit to stave off global catastrophe. Setting an example. After all, if we can all print the same tranche of unreadable prose in all our different newspapers, getting the world's governments to agree will be a piece of piss.