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Captain wanted for sinking ship

White Star Lines is pleased to announce a vacancy for the post of Captain of the SS Titanic, currently experiencing difficult conditions in the North Atlantic Ocean.

This prestigious appointment - leading the crew and safeguarding the passengers of one of the world's most famous and advanced seagoing vessels - has arisen as a direct consequence of the unfortunate incident that occured recently, and which has been the source of much adverse comment in the newspapers. The present Captain, Mr J G Brown, is of course a man of legendary seafaring experience and expertise. His contribution towards White Star Lines, and in particular the present generally successful voyage of SS Titanic, has been immense. Nevertheless, it is strongly felt that the post-iceburg environment is one in which new and dynamic leadership is called for, to carry the SS Titanic through its exciting new phase of terminal submergence.

The new Captain's duties will include the following:

- Organising an innovative scheme for the distribution and orientation of deckchairs, to better enable passengers to enjoy the swell of the waves as they inexorably engulf the ship's decks.

- Planning and conducting a concert, which is intended to provide musical accompaniment to the capsizement event.

- Recruiting new crew-members, to replace the many who have precipitately hurled themselves overboard (or, in some cases, stolen lifeboats)

- Ensuring that the right people have access to lifeboats. Given the limited supply of such vessels - an unforseeable result of the present captain's innovative distribution policies - this will call for particular subtlety, for example alluding to the existence of imaginary lifeboats

- Dismantling such fixtures and fittings as may be smuggled onto the lifeboats, disguised as small children.

- Supporting the morale of the crew at this difficult time

- Remaining on board the SS Titanic until its final disppearance.

- Persuading Captain Brown to vacate command of the vessel. It is anticipated that this may prove the most difficult task of all.

Applications may be made to the Personnel Director, Cmmr P.B. Mandelson, by the beginning of October.


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